Today I am opening up about our journey with Olivia and how I dealt with our infertility issues. To deal with infertility was difficult, painful and brought a feeling of loneliness. As I close the door on Liv’s birthday week there are tons of emotions I am feeling. But the greatest has been of gratitude that I am sitting here writing about her 1st birthday being over.
I remember sitting across the table, getting a phone call, and running into friends at dinner and receiving joyous news of their pregnancies. Those moments brought the deepest emotions I have ever felt in my life. I felt a sadness that nothing could cure. I was sad I couldn’t meet you yet. I felt an anger so enraging. I wanted to punch something so many times to physically hurt myself to make my heart not hurt anymore. I was mad that God wouldn’t give you to me yet. My faith was the lowest it had ever been in my life. I was loosing the faith that God wouldn’t bless me with the greatest gift of all… you.
But, in the deepest part of my soul I have always known Liv. We’ve been on evening bike rides, brushed her hair on the first day of kindergarten, kissed goodbye when I drop her off at college and sipped a glass of champagne at her rehearsal dinner. Her beautiful little life has already flashed right in front of my eyes even before I had my first glimpse of her on that beautiful day she came into this world.
She is the best of me and Andrew. She is the good in life. She is the brightest star. Her soul is pure as white. Her energy is contagious. I pray she remembers we are her strength when she feels weak, want the very best for her, and always her biggest cheerleaders. I can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives as mommy and daughter, it’s only the very beginning to her story. My heart could explode with contentment and gratitude now that I have her in my life. I love you dearly Olivia Grey.
We patiently waited for Olivia two years. Looking back I see every breadcrumb God laid out for Andrew and I during that whole process. Timing is everything and it wasn’t our time. The monthly reminder crushed me. I always tried to hold it together and tell Andrew nonchalantly that I wasn’t pregnant that month. I would lock myself in the bathroom, start a bath and weep almost every month. It was a loneliness that was so desolate. I felt as if I was in the middle of a room with the world around me not acknowledging I was screaming in pain.
More and more women are opening up on their infertility issues. Whether you have to wait 3 months or 5 years, the painful reminder that you aren’t becoming a mother hurts all the same. It’s the one thing that money can’t buy. Everything else we can work extra hard or save up and buy. Life is worth more than any amount of money, it’s a blessing. I am a living testimony that it can and WILL happen. God has your plan, just trust it. Find the things that can distract you from the hurt. Lean on the people that can understand your circumstances. Relax and let it be. It’s ok to be vulnerable, it’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to be angry.
Liv and I had the BEST day shooting these pictures together. I pinched myself several times thinking “am I really here? Am I really doing a photoshoot with my one year old child?” What a gift!
Pictures courtesy of Stormie Blain